11:55 July 12th
This morning, I wanted to type out a typical update and breakdown of all the lovely things in my life. However, I’ll be honest, things are pretty stinking amazing right now, and I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t really know what to say because so much has changed from a lot of different angles. I have never felt more “whole” in my life.
So, today, I have decided to share with you, in chronological order, some excerpts of journal entries and other devices of documentation to illustrate how much my state of being has improved in the past month. You know how I’ve been saying things have been pretty cyclic? Slumps and all? Like a sine wave with ups and downs? Well, I recently went through one of those troughs, and I’ve successfully captured it in various mediums! It’ll include people I have met, photos I have taken, things I have created, stuff I did, old tweets, etc.. This will be interesting. Here we go.
June 11th, 00:00
“I want something hot or cold, not lukewarm. That’s how I feel. Lukewarm.”
June 11th, 18:27
“How beautiful it must be to see a brick wall without knowing there’s anything on the other side. You could easily spend your whole life with this wall: watching it age, admiring the ivy that grows and clings to its mortar, noting how the weather takes its luster away as each season passes. The brick wall is beautiful. You never doubt it for a second. You never wonder if perhaps it is in the middle of the road, preventing you from something more so. You just accept that it is beautiful. You never wonder, never try to climb it, never to go around it. You sit in the shade it casts every day at 4 in the afternoon and allow its touch to cool your back as you rest your head against it. You never wonder who built it. You never wonder why you’ve never thought to see what’s on the other side. You find comfort in your limitations. It must be so beautiful to just accept them.”
June 16th, 20:28
“List of things I shouldn’t have to worry about:”
June 23, 01:51
“Don’t get me wrong. I love being positive. I believe it’s healthy. A very necessary attitude and perspective to have. However, if there’s anything I want to be in this world, it’s more frank.
frank1 (fraNGk): adjective open, honest, and direct in speech or writing, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters.
Yes, that. I would like that.”
New Blog Post: On Starting Anew
I was on my way to turning things around. Things were okay at this point. Not wonderful. But just, okay.
June 28, 18:06
“-Nothing is more discouraging, uninspiring, demotivating than feeling unloved.”
“-I want my fresh start already.”
“-I think I’m going to give myself that.”
So, long story short, what I did here, on June 29th, was that I just started only doing the things that felt right. I reached out to one of my friends to hang out one day and now she’s one of my best friends. I reflected on who I wanted to be and what I wanted to make this summer. The next two weeks show the effects of that.
This is Julia. She’s incredibly selfless, kind, talented, and beautiful.
A very fun and summery bonfire with very, very good people.
July 1, 01:18
“I feel like I am finally in a good place. These past few weeks have been nightmarish. I was irritable; I didn’t feel loved. I wasn’t okay with myself.”
“This summer has consisted of a lot of growth, really.”
“You should feel special around the people who love you.”
“I am so thankful.”
July 1, 23:30
“-We also put a t-shirt on Coco today- amazing.”
(my snap is izzyangus, for more pictures and videos of Coco)
Recordline, Julia’s band, had a gig. I went to it, and it was absolutely incredible. Best night of summer by far. Also, I met Jake (whose band, Death by Fireworks, played) and Bert there. You’ll meet them soon!
July 4, 11:47
“things I am: not defined by others, beautiful, unique, enough, more than enough, smart, talented, excitable, effervescent”
I also wrote a song (!!)
Julia and I had a photoshoot (she insisted that I deserve nice pictures of myself) which ended in ice cream and lots of nice headshots for the blog. ❤
July 7, 09:37
“I have easily had THE best week in the whole world.”
“I actually forgot that really genuinely kind people exist in the world. Being around Julia, Jake, Bert, Chris, and honestly anyone else at Red House enjoying the music that people create was so refreshing and smile inducing. Wow.”
“-I love everything.”
“Never underestimate the power of doing things for yourself. You become a brand new freaking-beautiful person. As you are.”
Also, Julia slept over this night, and we talked about anything and everything until 4am. I just want to take a moment to thank her for being one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Thank you, for everything, friend ❤
Meet Chris, Bert, and Jake. Chris was in the musical with me as Robert Martin. Jake and Bert are cool people I met at Julia’s show. They are all super nice and talented boys with hearts of gold. Probably some of the best people in the world. We love them.
Someone in a store told us that we looked like a super cool and alternative friend group that should be in a band. (Little did she know that 3/5ths of us were in bands.) (Checkout Recordline on Spotify/iTunes) (and Death by Fireworks and Dream Without Sleep on SoundCloud) (gogogogo!!!)
July 10, 10:27
“I’m sitting on Stanford campus spending the weekend here, and I am so happy! Not because of Stanford. Just because of everything in general.”
“I also just met some of my readers that are at Stanford for the summer, and they are all the loveliest people in the whole world; it was such a good experience.”
July 12, 11:52
“I have quite honestly been having the time of my life.”
OKAY, wow, so I didn’t know how that was going to turn out but that was pretty interesting.
Some things I noticed:
- I couldn’t find much of anything during my numb/slumpy period of time.
- From 6/11 – 6/29, I had about five very long journal entries. The extent of my documentation consisted of hefty yet infrequent journal entries. Some days were better than others; I started bringing my camera around, but I didn’t start loving it until the bonfire.
- From 6/29 – 7/11, I think my documentation was more consistent than before; there were more in-the-moment snapshots of everything going on. I didn’t have as much of an inclination to sit, write, and meditate on how I felt because I knew I felt really, really happy. I took plenty of pictures and tweeted a lot. Also, I was quite out and about and made sure to document every day.
If I’m anxious or frustrated, I just exist. Nothing creative written, just word vomits of things that are getting to me.
When I’m happy, I try to share it with as many people as possible, while simultaneously placing it in a glass jar to preserve as much of it as I can. I want to save it for a rainy day and allow it to withstand the test of time.
If I’m aware of the slump, either before or after its lowest point happens, I turn it into something positive. (like On Starting Anew) (I was still coming out of it) (see: “get your sh*t together blog post”) (it comes after a minimum on this graph, though, in June it came before)
Here’s a drawing:
I dunno, I suppose this just tells you a little bit about who I am. There’s not really a goal with this post. I just wanted to share something I found interesting with you all.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that everything is particularly wonderful right now. I love the people I am surrounded by. I now write joyfully and often. I’ve recently found the strength to separate myself from whatever makes me feel less than okay.
When you feel scattered, gross, less than ethereal— take a step back and— well, do what I tweeted on June 30th! Step back. Realize what you have, what you think you don’t have, what you want, what you think you want, what you think you have, etc.. Take action from there. Know what’s good for you. Know what you deserve.
Also, remember to love yourself, first and foremost. Things always get better.
NOTE: I don’t want it to seem like I’m bragging about how good my life is. This post is just capturing a snippet of my life at 17: the people I’ve met, the stuff I do, my outlook on everything and all that jazz. This is all pretty personal, this is pretty much a device for me to learn more about myself, and I’m honestly still unsure about posting it, but hey, in the words of Julia:
I hope your summer has been magic. ❤
If you want to see more pictures I have taken in this past month, click here!