a brief update turns into a resolve to find the old izzy

february 13 22:04

hello world, how are we doing today?

are we doing well?

that’s great, i am so glad.

so i wanted to just take a moment.

just a moment. 

any moment, just to talk.

i guess i’ll give you a brief update first:

!! classes i’m taking:

artstudi145b: painting for nonmajors: painting with the figure

femgen107m: guyland: college culture and masculinity

physics41: mechanics

chem31b: chemical principles ii

pwr1an: rhetoric of identity cultivated through a hip hop world

educ115: first-year reflections seminar

great stuff all around. 

**good things about this quarter:

1. i have time!!!!! no more rehearsals til 11, no more sunday dance rehearsals from 1-5. i miss theatre, and i’m dying to audition for a show, but it is quite nice being able to sit here and write this evening.
2. i bunked my bed, and i love painting!!
3. i am actively working to invest more time in the people i care about and into myself.
4. i haven’t talked about this much, but that whole dissociative-thing? the one where i feel like things are happening in front of me instead of being in the moment? that’s been happening a lot less this quarter and i am so thankful. lots of human being. way less human doing. nawimsayin.

some sporadic thoughts (frustrations, musings, stream of conscious, things of the sort)

1. i feel so dim right now, if i’m being completely honest. i can’t find the huge bonfire that used to rage under my butt in high school to get work done and to push myself to my limits and to pursue passions and to simply be in the most unapologetic, fervent, bombastic way possible. 
2. i did this exercise in my reflections seminar where we wrote about who we were in high school. characteristics, who we came from and what we brought to stanford and what we shed since coming to stanford. i don’t know why, but i simply found myself only able to write negative things about who i was in high school, and i was so rattled because i felt like i was being honest, but i hold such a skewed perception of who i was before coming here. i wrote things like “self-centric” and “frantic” and though those things are true to an extent, she was a beautiful young woman. i was a beautiful young woman! and i, for some reason, struggle to remember that. she was filled with so much fire and so much love and white-hot energy that poured out of her into her ambitions and into the things she dedicated herself to and she was so brave. so much more courageous than i am. she would yell from the rooftops about how she was going to change the world, give a TED talk at 24, and go to space 5 years later, touch the hearts and minds of young women everywhere, go to Stanford University, and idk paint the sky hot pink if she so had the desire to. i miss her!! i want her back. i read her journals and there is a gravitational pull in every paragraph she wrote; her passion was so massive, her feelings and hopes and dreams and frustrations were so vibrant. i don’t know what’s changed. and i don’t know when or how or why i lost sight of her, but i am going to search for her and bring her back.
3. i could write thousands of love poems to my younger self. she was a nut, but i love her. she was pretty annoying, but she had such a capacity for love and for conjuring up entire universes in her mind. she wasn’t afraid of writing fiction. she wasn’t afraid of not knowing. she wasn’t afraid of sounding dumb in class or raising her hand. she ran around the school barefoot and hung out with teachers during lunch. she was brilliant and exciting and lovely and fresh and i think everyone could see it but her. and she still couldn’t until she started writing this blog post, if we’re being quite honest. 
4. i was recently asked the question, “when are you your best self?” and i answered that when i am simply being, and imbuing as much love and energy and spirit into the moment and the person in front of me as i can, is when i am my best self. not when i’m conscious of how they perceive me, or when i’m worrying about sounding dumb— this is probably why i have trouble participating in discussions and speaking off the dome because i’m so “AHHHHH” about everything i say. we’ll work on that. i’m working on that. self-assurance is the keyz
5. new years resolution of loving more is going very well. i feel full. still unsteady, but full. i’m pulling thru

okay, i’m ending this here, but long story short: love yourself, be yourself, happy week 6 of winter quarter

love,

izzy

p.s. this is called tips for an anxious one and i wrote it after last week which was filled with way too many heavy fingertips and frozen stares and racing hearts. it was kind of a writing exercise, kind of not. it’s more an internal monologue in my head when i get ~that~ feeling. now it’s on the wall by my bed. 

tap your neck. 3 times. tap your forehead. 3 times. behind your ear. rub your thumbnail. breathe in, hold, breathe out. are you dying? is your head in space? is there cardboard beneath your skin and are your fingertips made of bumblebees? does your face feel like its wound up like a little toy car and do your feet feel like they’re not there? are you coughing? is there a fist in your stomach? can you see the ceiling? you’re okay. you’ve felt this before. tap again, behind your ear. 1, 2, 3. breathe- in, hold, out. tap again. close your eyes and find your feet. are there socks on? shoes? what’s touching every inch of skin? now move to your ankles. feel your paint-splattered leggings hugging your calves. now your thighs. your head can’t be in space if it’s in your legs. if it’s wandering through your whole body. find it. reel it in; ground it. you feel it. it’s not on fire. it’s not lost in space. find where your shirt brushes against your stomach. find your wrists now. can you feel your beads on your bracelet? center. find your body. it’s okay. you’re okay. tap. breathe. breathe. 

take care of yourself, reader

love, izzy

*note: no proofreading tonight, just posting ft. some bad formatting. lots n lots of love to ya

EDIT/ oh. and happy valentine’s day ❤