february 26, 21:37
(there’s a lot happening in this one)
i opened up the first of my 3 dove dark chocolate hearts and decided to write in response to the inside message:
you’re doing great.
really. you are.
your essay isn’t as far along as it should be and you’re not at all very ready for your physics midterm on tuesday (just needed to say that, to cope with that thought and get it out in the universe)
but that’s all okay!
you’re doing a wonderful job.
you cleaned your room and did 6 weeks worth of laundry.
you are writing right now, even though you’ve struggled to all day.
you were completely and totally present last night with some great people and you were there for all of it.
you’re facing your fears.
you’re mediating your loud conflicting thoughts.
you’re drinking lots of water.
you’re getting more comfortable with your skin, particularly your face skin.
you painted something you’re proud of.
you’re spending time with the people you love.
you’re being more vulnerable and transparent both with yourself and with the people you’re close to.
you’re committing to things and following through with them and you’re doing great.
you made a spotify playlist that takes you back to your freshman year in high school and it’s made you feel really warm all afternoon.
you’ve started playing guitar again.
you are doing a great job of dedicating yourself to the person in front of you.
congratulations for a whole week of that.
it’s easy to think you’re not doing well when, in reality, you’re just dwelling on all the things that aren’t right.
but so many things are right.
let that motivate you and push you to get through the next few days.
week 6 and 7 went well. lots happened. happy week 8.
- sing songs
- be intentional
- kiss face cheeks
- cry, maybe? in a cathartic way
- write things down
- don’t long for the sun; it’s not going anywhere.
- more nonsense
- keep loving
(in which i’ll elaborate upon my dissociative/depersonalised moments)
i’ve briefly explained this before, but there’s this thing. when i feel dissociative, i often feel like i am not fully there in the moment, as if i’m watching the moment play before me, but i’m not actually in it. i’m also very, very conscious of my conscience and internal monologue. which is problematic, because then i’m listening to it blather on, rather than listening to the people i’m with. and i also grow very conscious of how much space i’m taking up. this usually manifests itself in how my arm/body is positioned, how my pants fit, how my hair feels, etc..
however, when i’m present, i feel, very much so, a part of the scene. i don’t feel like i’m taking up space, i’m simply there. and it feels wonderful. i feel full- all of my attention and energy is focused upon others rather than myself, and i think that’s when i’m my best self.
also, a few days ago, i wrote a post-it note to myself that said:
“let’s not feel small today! big time. don’t be afraid to take up space”
and i think that’s interesting. when i feel anxious, i feel small. when i’m dissociative, i feel too big. well not big, but i feel very conscious of the fact that i’m there rather than just being there. does that make sense? hmm.
i shouldn’t feel small or feel too big. i am just right.
my presence is bold and bubbly and warm and genuine and sweet. i should indulge the universe with more of it. no shrinking here!
note to self:
have a good night, push through.
P.S. i‘ve decided to let you all into my head a little bit more than i ever let on during the first two years of this blog being a thing. it felt disingenuous. i felt like i was pressed to act like i had things a lot more figured out than i really did. like i was pressed to seem professional and put together and blah blah blah. however, the fact of the matter is that i don’t have anything figured out! and neither does anyone else, really, as i explained in my last post. and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone, especially myself, if i continued to act like i did. because then i’d just feel dishonest.
i want you, my readers, real-life-people reading my blog, to see that i’m here, with a beautifully ridiculous life that i am honoured to experience, however, i am also struggling. i’m not afraid to share that with you. since i don’t have much of a filter anymore or any of that external pressure to come to some sort of poignant resolution in what i put out, i’ll probably be posting more often. this blog is an extension of me; the public chapter of my journal and that’s all. and i love it.
so expect more of this; i’m happy to share my head with you guys.
keep struggling, keep being honest about it. it’s a lot more fun and a lot easier to handle that way. let it out. no one’s perfect. try your best. be you tiful
(can you tell that vulnerability is a huge theme and a huge priority in my life rn) (because it is)
EDIT: WOOOOOOOO MOONLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!