A Week of Writing: Day 1
welcome to SPRING BREAK 2017 aka AWOW (pronounced ay-wow) (a week of writing) where i will be roaming around the bay area and writing every day for a week! it is unclear as to what today has in store for me, but tomorrow (edit: today) i am off to ~Bolinas~ for some bioluminescent nighttime kayaking
Saturday 10:57 March 25, 2017
the sun’s out! it’s spring break! children are laughing and playing outside! well, they’re screaming, but i don’t really mind since i haven’t seen a legitimate child in about 3 months.
how are we today? tell me some news! any news. or a fun joke. or your favourite song. honestly, write anything you want here:
well, this quarter went well, i think. i made my quarter video which you can watch here:
Despite the sunny nature of this video, I want to make it crystal clear that this quarter was undeniably really rough. It is so incredibly easy to only talk about every sunny day/party/every degree point above 70°F. It’s very easy to look back and only choose to see those things because those are the only days I was willing to film and document. But, 2 posts ago let’s remember that I was straight up sobbing at my desk, hand-writing something, anything, in an attempt to pick myself back up. This quarter, I also got a 101-degree fever that was entirely stress-induced, broke down multiple times, dealt with anxiety almost every time I had to go into a discussion class, faced numerous rejections, felt trapped, felt inadequate, etc.. Life! Here! Is! Not! Perfect! But that’s just it! Life is not perfect!
The beauty is that everyone else here is going through it, too. Obviously, the bad times hurt. Obviously, it does not at all feel beautiful when you’re sitting there, wishing that everything would just stop. But winter quarter, if anything, has broken down so many walls between me and my peers. We’re all just trying to make it.
Luckily, due to all of the ~emotional turmoil~ I’ve faced this quarter, I feel like I have made ~major~ strides in being a person! I’m getting closer to becoming a self-actualizing human being! How great is that? I have realised my core values, I found a way to mediate between the two discordant voices in my head. I visited home and seeing my old theatre and the people in it reinvigorated me in a whole new way. I have grown a lot more accepting of, in a word, everything.
And, on top of all of that- this quarter, I got to sing with Alan Cumming on his 52nd birthday, I went on a ski trip, I built deeper friendships with the people I love dearly, I submitted writing to an essay contest, I joined an intramural team and played for 3 minutes because I prefer playing “team mom” more than I do actual basketball, I lied on a sunny field in the middle of winter, I took a spontaneous trip to the city, I took a formal painting class for the first time, I wrote multiple essays about chance the rapper, I pet a real life corgi, I’ve gained more confidence (towards the tail-end of the quarter, but still), I’ve met some incredible people, I’ve felt peace!
See? Silver linings! Rain and rainbows and all that!
This school- this time in my life- might be hard/emotionally taxing/difficult, but that does not mean that it is anything less than beautiful.
Anyway, to wrap up: I am feeling good. This quarter was a lot. It hurt a lot in many different ways, but I, of course, am endlessly thankful for it.
winter quarter was hard
spring quarter, though i am expecting it to be absolutely incredible, will also be hard in its own way.
but who cares? life is hard.
anxiety, depersonalization, fear of making the wrong decision, insecurities, wrong place at the wrong time, catastrophic thinking, et cetera– sure, all of that sucks. sure, life is a lot more complicated than we ever grow up thinking it would be.
it’s complicated, it’s nuanced, it’s hectic, it’s a lot
but as long as i keep my faith in “future me” to possess the capacity to love wherever i am and wherever i came from, i will continue to find Life’s convoluted nature inspiring and exciting
there’s hope, love, and a lesson learned everywhere you turn.
roll with it!
~~also, i know, i could have just made the title “wow” but ay-wow is more fun to say~~~