A Week of Writing: Day 2

04:43 march 27, 2017


Here I am, lying in bed at 4 in the morning at Quinn’s gradparents’ house (that they’ve been renting for 11 years from a lady) in Bolinas.

An hour ago, we went to the balcony to stargaze and as soon as I looked up at the sky, tears started streaming down my face and as I said, “I’ve never seen this many stars before,” I just started sobbing.
Spring Break has only lasted for 4 days, and I feel so inconsequentially content with how everything has unfolded so far! On Friday, after editing my video for hours on end, at around 1am, I picked up A.J. to go to Denny’s and we talked about anything and everything. On Saturday, I wrote a blog post, got lunch in Menlo Park, took a nap, went to dinner at the Melt, played all of my old songs on guitar, then grabbed snacks at Safeway with 3 friends and went to Half Moon Bay at around 11:30pm.

Today, Chloe and I headed to SF to get some cragels (croissant bagels), then we went to Mill Valley to visit the theatre she grew up doing shows in, then Quinn picked me up where we did ~cool~ things around Bolinas. Kayaking was cancelled, due to weather, but I was 200% not even a little bit mad because we got to venture out to see tide pools, we went to a fun bookshop and used wares shop, and we watched a movie by a fire, and then proceeded to just talk about whatever until 3 then I got to sob over the sight of stars for an hour and a half.

He asked me what is something that has been on my mind the most this Spring Break (the past 3 days) and I realized it could be broken down into 3 main things:

  1. Trusting my past self in that she made the right decisions. AKA, not wishing I was in LA or on a roadtrip or Hawaii or somewhere anywhere other than where I was.
  2. Having faith in and keeping in mind future me’s ability to look back on absolutely anything and appreciating whatever experience it gave me.
  3. Being where my feet are, and being present, and wanting to be where I currently am. Which is basically the first point.

(I’m also so sleepy, so I apologize if at anypoint this gets incoherent) (also i’m munching on potato chips rn and i hope he can’t hear my chewing from the other room)

Anyway, I think I’m just gonna do a brain dump in a few hours when I wake up- because I know I’m going to wake up earlier than I should, and I am drifting in and out of consciousness right now. Good night!

11:18 march 27th

okay, i’m back, the light is pouring into the room. i can see the ocean out my window and it is sparkling.

i think the most valuable lesson i’ve learned throughout my time in college is this idea of “wanting to be where i am” and “wanting to do what i am doing.” all throughout highschool and even throughout fall quarter, i had this chronic itching to just go. i wanted to do anything and everything i could to simply leave, go as far away as possible, and just start over in some new way. i used to “jokingly” ask my mom if i could go to a boarding school or if i could transfer schools for my senior year. even the concept of just being anywhere other than wherever i was was so essential and, quite honestly, it made me feel very trapped.

of course, it’s easy to “be where your feet are” when you’re out travelling and your feet are trudging through mud during an overcast sunset leading down to the beach or your feet are out walking the streets of a city you’ve never seen before. but when your feet are covered in wool socks, unused, camped in the 3rd floor of the library for the fourth hour- or when your feet are climbing up to your bunk bed in the midst of a seemingly impossible week. it’s a lot harder.

but this all goes back to my new year’s resolution of “loving myself, loving others, loving where i am, loving the process”- it all chocks up to pouring yourself into whatever life Is (with a capital I) because that is all it can be in that moment, so you might as well make the most of it. if you spend all of your time wanting to be somewhere else/wanting to be older/”wanting to get to college already,” everything moves by you in the blink of an eye- and it’s gone.

it’s crazy that i’m sitting here, staring at the ocean, surrounded by the greenest california i have ever seen in my life, without a single thought of homework or school passing through whatsoever.

it’s also so silly that i started crying while looking at the stars; i’ll probably snap in half the day i see the Milky Way.

it’s also absolutely outrageous how the person i was one year ago is so outrageously different from the person i am now. my happiness and contentment runs so much deeper than simply being happy. i am more okay with uncertainty than i was back then. my positivity does not feel feigned nor forced.

i don’t know, i’m just in a very good place right now, and that might just be all this exposure to the sun and the sea right now.
my stomach is filled with eggs and avocado and toast and i just had a thought about the ~concept of pursuing happiness~ that i wanted to dive into, however i am 10 minutes away from going on a hike then meet up with chloe in Tiburon.

have a good day! see you soon,


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