22:44 may 16th, 2017 (tuesday)
i knew something special was today that i was missing; it’s the two-year anniversary of this blog ❤
hmmm, what to say other than
here’s a journal entry from yesterday (monday) before i went to bed:
i have many reasons as to why today was a wonderful day.
tonight, i go to bed feeling unprecedentedly happy, full, content, loved, loving, etc..
i had pretty bad anxiety today, but that’s okay.
the thing is, i didn’t do any work over the weekend, i spent all of my time with people i love and i don’t regret it for a second.
i was supposed to write a poem and an essay on sunday but instead i watched chloe sing her heart out in ragtime, conducted a few interviews, lied down, took chloe and brenna out to boba, hung out in the sigma suite for an hour, went to will’s room to chill w him and a lot of wonderful people, and got back to the dorm at 2am completely content with my spontaneous, serendipitous, unproductive sunday.
today, i woke up nervous that i wouldn’t get it right.
i had chapter and meetings and interviews and classes and fingerprinting to get done. the finger tip, forehead anxiety made an appearance today.
however i sat at a fountain for an hour this morning, doing work, and a few dear friends approached me while i was sitting out there, i ended up writing a poem that i am quite proud of called moonset, i got dinner with friends, i didn’t wear makeup today, i conducted a few interviews, went to chapter, ended up writing a 1500 word essay in two hours that i eventually got so emotionally invested in, that i got chills and teared up about how elegant the hypothesis i was arguing in favor of was.
i called my brother afterwards as i walked home from coho when he woke up in paris, the gaieties 2017 groupme has officially begun, i hung out with chloe as we geeked and yelled and spilled about everything we could at one in the morning, i then did the same to phoebe an hour and a half later, and then i received a message from a friend i haven’t seen in almost 5 years, so we had a 15 minute phone call that totally just wrapped up my day perfectly.
long story short; i feel so deeply connected with the people and things i love.
i love sophcab so f*cking much, i love gaieties with all of my heart, i am so incredibly fascinated and wholeheartedly invested in my poetry class and in THINK, and i quite simply feel incredible.
i have the greatest friends in the entire world, i’ve met at least 100 new people this quarter, the sky is so brilliant and blue
long story short, my heart is filled to the brim and it is spilling over.
love to love to love to love to love.
many key important things to note from this journal entry:
- i haven’t written to you all in a month and a half, but a lot of things have suddenly sprung up in my life that i am incredibly grateful for. i was elected with 3 of my great friends to serve as sophomore class presidents next year, and we’re in the process of interviewing to select a cabinet for next year. i’m a new member of kappa kappa gamma on campus. i’m an assistant producer of next year’s gaieties. i have a job on campus for the summer. i get to see all of my best friends’ shows that they were working on throughout winter quarter. the skies are blue, i’ve been to the beach a lot, i’ve met so many incredible people, and i’ve watched the sunset almost every day for the past two weeks. spring is good.
- i can have a good day without anxiety ruining the whole of it.
- small changes like walking to class, getting meals with people, eating meals alone, setting time aside to just sit at the top of meyer green and eat a burrito during your allotted lunch time, staying out of the dorm, compiling lists of all of the pleasant things that happen in your day, taking new routes to class every so often, spending time in places you usually don’t– these are all the things that keep me sane.
- this quarter, mac and cheese instantly makes me the happiest person in the building. waving hi to a friend as we pass each other on bikes leaves a smile on my face for 10 minutes. every new person i meet, i want to know more about them and i look forward to seeing them again. i spend too much on chai lattes, but at least they’re warm and sweet when it gets windy.
- i get to write poems for homework. i wrote an essay about the multiverse hypothesis and the weak anthropic principle and argued if i’m satisfied with how the two reconcile fine-tuning and the indifference principle. i paint for fun. i listen to music a lot more often now. my ME101 class (visual thinking) is just hanging out with a cool class of people while building things with foamcore and drawing. not mentioned above, but i’m in a hip-hop dance class, which is the greatest relief i can ask for 3 hours a week.
- my brother is happy. he’s in paris. i’m elated for him.
- i’ve found a home here, and i feel very lucky to say that. not necessarily in the campus, but in the people. i have so much love, all around me, all the time. i am so thankful.
remember how my new year’s resolution was “to love”? it’s going great. even until now, almost halfway done with 2017, Love has become this massive, powerful undercurrent in my life that has made every single day full. whether it’s in loving the fact that i’m out with friends, loving the meal i’m having, loving the classes i’m in, loving the fact that i can speak and breathe without coughing, loving the fact that it’s spring and i’m alive. i don’t know how i got here.
during that 15-minute phone call with that friend, i haven’t spoken to in almost five years, i mentioned to him that i am currently in an emotional place that i never thought i would ever reach back when we were still in high school together. i experience joy every day. i am comfortable in my skin, for the most part. i am not concerned with the future in a way that is harmful. i am giving myself the space to breathe.
2 years ago, i was a messy little thing. all i wanted out of this blog was to figure out what i was thinking. something. anything. i needed my thoughts, my passions, my realisations, my concerns, my everything physically realised in a medium that i could wrestle with.
i floated through life, with this head that was too loud for its own good, waiting to be heard.
and now it is. here, heard, today.
i hear it, i give it the time of day that it deserves. i don’t try to fight it or fix it, i let it sing on.
you hear it, too. the perspective i have gained in having you along for the ride is invaluable.
it’s late, so i won’t dive into how exactly this blog and you all have helped me. however, i totally credit where i am now to my friends and family, college, and, of course, this website.
i am currently in a place in my life where i can come home from a long and draining day and still feel hopeful. that is the greatest gift/achievement/whatever of them all.
thank you for two years. thank you for listening. here’s to 8 (or) more. to 26 and beyond ❤
sorry this post is a bit messy.
with love and love and love as always,