may 26th, 2017 14:39

hello! happy friday!

this morning, i woke up at 9:30, knowing i had nothing to do with the day except get lunch with someone at 12:30 and hop on a bus at 4:45. 

i lied in bed for 3 hours, uploaded old pictures into an album on Facebook from last quarter.

i lied around in my underwear in my comfortable pigsty of a room and quietly existed.

for the past week, i’ve been waking up with anxiety, and i feel like i’ve written this in every journal entry for the past month, but it’s true. however, i feel good, because it doesn’t impact my entire day when i wake up with it. as of late, anxiety has been just a hurdle to climb over until i step out of my dorm and take a breath of fresh air. it hasn’t always been like this, and i’m so lucky that is now. but today, it felt like static around my head. it felt akin to loneliness. 

at around 11:30, i was painfully close to cancelling my lunch because i was anxious and gross and sleepy. i didn’t want to stretch myself that far, but i pulled my head out of my butt, and thought “the dining hall is literally 2 minutes away from your room, the person i am meeting is a lovely human being- just put on some pants and go, damn it.” 

so i did!

and it was lovely.

afterwards, i was going to just lie around some more- maybe take a nap. but then i forced myself to go on a walk to starbucks instead. i had three hours to kill anyway.

on this walk, i ran into 3 friends, saw 2 dogs, saw 4 couples holding hands, passed by a group of middle schoolers laughing, and saw the delight of a child staring at a fountain. the air is cold, no wind though, so it’s not unbearable. i ordered a latte, sat down, and started reading. 

then my roommate just happened to show up! she sat down across from me and we talked for half an hour about literally anything. like how much we’ve grown, end of the year thoughts, regrets, etc.— though we live together, we haven’t really sat down and gotten coffee together, so this was really refreshing and sweet. she left to go work on her physics problem set; i stayed to write this, feeling unbelievably hopeful and excited about life. two more friends have approached me and said hi.

the point of all this is to basically reinforce the point that i feel happiest and the most fulfilled when i am with people. not just with people, but when i am out and connecting with humanity in just the right way. of course, phoebe coming to sit next to me was brilliant and refreshing, but even just pushing myself to be in a space where something serendipitous like that can come and find me, or where the air is alive and filled with the lives of other people– that’s when i feel my best.

of course, i’m comfortable in my own solitude, this is well established. but being alone, in a room full of people, and not feeling lonely is something that i have experienced a lot more this year than ever.  

i think this comes from a deep understanding i’ve cultivated that while life is hugely collaborative, and that is what makes it most beautiful and vibrant, it is, at the end of the day, my own personal, individual journey.

this is not to say i never feel lonely anymore, but loneliness is no longer my default. i feel like that’s because i know that i am pursuing a life led by very strong core values that allow me to be okay. 

okay okay so

3 things that help me sleep at night and help me wake up every morning

  1. love and loving
  2. connectedness, closeness, emotional intimacy, trust
  3. knowing that my life is mine, and mine alone

2 things that sort of dictate my perspective on life

  1. this life is mine, my own individual path, blazed specifically for/by me- it will work out and unfold in whatever way it will, and i have faith in myself to live it well and be in love with it.
  2. but everything that makes it lovely and vibrant and exciting come alive in the relationships you make, and the people that cross this path with you and walk alongside you for a little bit and help you figure out which direction you’re going, or even shed light on dark bits. hence, ~life’s collaborative nature~

i don’t know, i just got really really excited once i got up and got to starbucks. just about everything. that life is happening and everyone else’s lives are happening, and that it went from a stagnant grey morning-for-one to an afternoon filled with hope and clarity. i just wanted to explore what exactly was clarified.

in addition, (bullet points because my mind is racing)

  • i am such a Romantic. not a romantic, this has nothing to do with romance, but i just. i have such a deep, unfathomable love for everything- it stresses me out a little bit. i can feel my heartbeat faster whenever i get in one of those moods. my cheeks get all flushed and I’m pretty sure my eyes dilate, but i quite simply feel so hopeful! and excited! and grateful! have you ever seen a dog? have you ever thought about how far you’ve come since a year ago? have you ever appreciated the art your friends create? have you ever witnessed passion? have you ever seen stars? have you ever thought about how absolutely massive our potential is? have you ever seen a beach? have you ever thought about the fact that you have, like, 70 more years to fill your life with love, to meet and connect with people, to discover things about yourself, to immerse yourself in new places? oh my god
  • sometimes i wonder why i get so excited about things? how “the sky being blue” is something that can quite literally make my day and how i can get so riled up and feel genuinely elated by one small thing that i stumble upon in a day. i still have no idea.
  • it wasn’t always like this and it still isn’t  always like this. but the days that are like this are louder than others.

thought i’d share. i don’t know if it made sense or if i got anywhere, but here you go. ❤

also, it’s sunday and i’m sitting at the same table that i sat in on friday at starbucks and they started playing one of my favourite songs! (dear to me by electric guest) serendipity comes if you let it find you! wooo time to go watch a sunset!



2 replies on “journal: friday, 5/26 14:39

  1. I love your very beautiful analysis of your day and what that simple day in your life reflected about you. As always, beautiful writing. Hope your first year at college is going great! Can’t wait to read more about it once you go home

    Liked by 1 person

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