gushing: somewhat of an update

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18, college, Emotions

pulled up my notes tonight and rambled for a bit before going to bed.

upon finishing it, i thought i should post it. the sky was very pink this evening and it gave me the same beautiful, now-familiar feeling that i have grown well-acquainted with recently. i describe the feeling somewhat in-depth here.

thank you to everyone in my life that has given me so much love and warmth thus far. you have gifted me a life filled with softness, peace, and joy. it would not be the same without you. i love you more than you know,,

october 18th, 01:14

dear world,

hi! it’s really late. i should be sleeping because i have class in 9 hours. 

mmmmmmmm, at sunset today, my phone and laptop were dead. i left my journal in my dorm room and didn’t have a book to read, so, empty-handed, i walked to the strip of road that gave me the clearest view of the westward sky, and stood there and watched how pink everything became as the sun set lower and lower. i wasn’t sure if it was the lights at the student union turning on or if it was the rosy glow of the entire 6:30pm sky, but everything suddenly felt warm and had this pink haze around it. 

i meandered a bit, just thinking, and smiling. taking pictures every so often, but mostly feeling the cold yet comfortable air on my cheeks and taking a breath, post-french midterm and post 2-hour calculus lecture.

lately, i’ve been asking my friends, “what do you think the biggest difference between you now and you exactly one year ago is?”

my answer is that i’m a lot more grounded. i feel like i control the pace of my life, so much more than i did last year. i was dragged around by everything- social stuff, classes, activities, emotions, other people, expectations, reality— my time was never my own. 

now, i can walk beneath a pink sky for 10 minutes in between calculus and coffee. i can spend 2 hours texting brenna while she sits right next to me, gushing about a boy i like, instead of doing homework. i can laugh until i cry 5 times in a one hour period. i can take 2 showers a day, i can listen to wonderful music. i can take naps and clean my room. i can stay up until 4, whether i’m working or talking or simply existing wherever with whoever. i can experience the same lifting, breathless lightness that i felt while watching that sunset on big sur anywhere. and i’ve felt so deeply happy about that lately.

a week before soco ended, i was so scared for the year to start. without the mountains at my back and the river next to me— how would i ever find peace and warmth and softness in my life when navigating this zoo of a university? 

but i’ve found it! and that safe place in my heart is just as warm and soft and peaceful as it was in my spot on the riverbank and as it was when overlooking the pacific. it might even be softer, because other people from all other parts of my life can be a part of it, too.

i found my love and i found my lightness within myself this summer. 

right now, i am writing to you, elated, that i have found that love and lightness in other people and other places as well. in other people and other places far from the person and place where i first came upon them. 

i got to sit on a beach for the first time in a month this weekend. the sunset was probably the most gorgeous sunset i have ever seen. nothing looked like it was the right colour. the sky was pink, while the sand was purple, and the golden ocean painted it lavender and white every time the tide came in, while flecks of teal floated on the ripples of the water. everything felt so quiet.

and the giddy lightness and excitement that comes with feeling so whole and connected with everything around you, feeling so significant and insignificant all at once, washed over me.

that same feeling comes and goes often now. even while not faced with a beach at sunset, i have felt it while walking through main quad, while laughing with friends, while watching dance rehearsals of gaieties, while holding hands, while hearing a good song at the right time, while thinking about the people i adore in my life. my heart is constantly fluttering. 

and yes. my mental health still fluctuates. i still have rough days. i still get grossly unmotivated and i still procrastinate so often to the point where i really need re-evaluate. but. everything feels right. everything wrong and everything right makes a lot of sense, and i am so grateful for it. well, i guess i’m more okay now with things not making sense. and i’m grateful for that, as well.

i was talking to my friend, sun, one day— and she said that when people ask her where home is, she responds that her body is her home. wherever she is, she is home. 

and i agree. i am feeling more at home than ever. i love my hair for keeping my ears warm. i love my hands for doing everything my heart wants to do. i love my eyes for seeing the colour in everything. i love my ears for all of the music it gives me access to. i just. i love this body, i love this life, and i love myself.

i’m gushing and rambling. i didn’t get much sleep last night, and i have a lot to do tomorrow. but i’ve been meaning to write this for a while, and my heart is feeling extra fluttery tonight. 

hope you’re well. until next time. ❤ 

goodnight or good morning or good afternoon, wherever you are

love,

izzy

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