2AM on a monday
updates on goals: 70% done with my book, writing this post now, haven’t written a song but definitely singing, reading le petit prince every night, and i signed up for group classes at the gym so woo!
gonna be a short post this week and i hope to publish two in this coming week.
i bought my plane tickets to boston and europe on wednesday. i journaled some. i cried to mom some. my brother left for brasil yesterday. i spent some number of afternoons feeling sorry for myself, and another some sitting under the shade of my favorite spot on campus reading. an afternoon talking to myself and monologuing with a voice journal, drinking sugary drinks i know i don’t need, and waiting and waiting and waiting.
i had a big epiphany this week! huge news, because they are few and far between these days.
on tuesday, i felt particularly like i was going mad because i was convinced in my manic state that i am, as i self-prescribed, “all bark, and no bite,” meaning, “no matter how many epiphanic blog posts i write, i won’t take action on them and still end up right here where i am right now.” (where i am right now = feeling like i’m going to absolutely lose my mind if a gust of wind blew my hair in the wrong direction just one more time)
here’s the rub:
i am not that. i am not all bark and no bite, thank you very much, mr. self-defeating-voice-in-my-head. i am someone who will continue trying to f*cking get up every time she falls, no matter how many times she ends up on the ground. yes, i will continue to have i’m-going-to-change-my-life type epiphanies pretty much anytime i post anything on this website. however, that is no surprise! because my first step to any kind of change is the radical action of announcing it to the world so that it has an even larger chance of becoming real. keeps me accountable, you know?
i also realized during my internal monologuing through emotional-stagnancy-turned-turmoil episode on tuesday that i felt like i wasn’t living my life and that my life was just happening to me. if you are a fond reader of 2 years, you’ll recognize this as my dissociation from high-school. my life being in a movie screen.
then i realized that:
I have not been happy with myself or my life because I keep making plans for happiness rather than trying to make light and inner peace a daily standard.
let me explain:
the past 4 years of my life have been: “once i get a boyfriend, life will be better.” “once i am skinnier/fitter/more muscular/etc., i will feel better about myself.” “once i get into stanford, all of my problems now will be solved.” “once i’m on summer break with no classes, i can relax,” and most recently, “once i go to europe, i will feel free.”
i have spent so much of my life making plans for happiness, being generally fine and happy in the moment, however still heavily projecting that life could and will be better in the future (when I leave Brentwood, when I leave college, when I meet new people, when I choose a major, when I have a job, when I travel, when I’m living alone, etc.).
my emotional distress stems from my deep-seated dissatisfaction with how my life currently is– because i feel like i could be doing better if/once i [insert something here].
i am hard on myself, i am hard on my circumstance, i have impossible standards for myself, i am my own worst enemy and biggest obstacle, i compare myself to others, i demean myself, i feel guilt and reprimand myself rather than permitting myself to grow, i feel sorry for myself, i perpetuate my own misery. but why do i do that? where did i learn to do that? who taught me to do that?
i don’t know, but i DO know that it is time to stop. right now. because i am a good person, deserving of love and kindness, that should know what is good for me.
no matter how loud i yell from my soapbox of a platform about loving myself and believing in this idea that i deserve good things, it will still continue to take so much time to practice and internalise the action of wholeheartedly loving myself. i am growing, too. one day, i can whole-heartedly believe that i am flying, and the next day, think i was stupid for ever even thinking that. healing yourself from hurt– especially the kind of hurt that can introduce itself to you on any day and really accumulate if you are not gentle with yourself– will never ever be linear.
it is ugly and difficult. it looks like a perfectly made bed and 2 loads of unfolded laundry strewn all over your couch. it looks like a clean desk and terribly messy drawers that hardly close. it tastes like a salad for dinner and a pint of ice cream at 3 am. it looks like half put-up christmas lights. it looks like a 6-year-old, with her palms and knees all pink, red, and scraped up from falling over, yet she still keeps on running.
it sounds like yelling about your freedoms, affirmations, and dreams from a cliffside and silently praying that you can, somehow, hear the echoes of your shortlived and vibrant confidence once you’re camped at the bottom.
now that we know this, what’s the point?
the point is that i’m done trying to plan what will make me happy and what will grant me fulfilment. the point is that i am tired of waiting to be happy. i am tired of not sitting in my skin properly. i am tired of reading excited, grandiose, self-affirming journal entries from, what i’ll call, “my most emotionally fortified moments,” and wondering where she went and how i can get her back.
i want to live a life that focuses on right here and right now. i will live a life, right now, that focuses on my breath. on how much rest i am getting. on how i maintain my relationships. on how well i am listening to the person in front of me. on how hydrated i am. on how well i am accomplishing the tasks on hand. on how to make the most out of the reality i am faced with, right here and right now.
every day, i am existing inside an endpoint i had previously arbitrarily declared for myself regarding my happiness. where i was going is where i am now. what i was going to do is what i am doing now.
why wait for the future for your happiness when you are literally living in your opportunity to fill it with such?
another week. come on, here we go.
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