reconsideration

I stood where the tide retreated. The sky turned the wet sand into glass, and the clouds gave way to the sun for a single, golden hour. Wind whipped through our clothes and mixed its song with laughter, as the crisp February air chilled our cheeks and seeped into our socks to freeze our toes.

It’s been months since I’ve last written. I feel like I’ve felt more and more different with every month, maybe even every week, that passes. 

That’s the only thing I can tell you with confidence. This blog is built on making radical declarations about myself. Martyring my mistakes in the language of lessons learned. Promising change, reclaiming the stakes and using this thing as a way to assume control and hold myself accountable for my growth as a person. These are not bad things. 

However, I believe I’ve changed. 

I’ve become like water in this past month. Rather than casting my stones off the cliffside into the ocean in an attempt to beat down the waves.

I refused to write in the past few months to give myself the space to lean into the fluidity of everything: of myself, my identity, my interests, my goals, etc.. I don’t know where or who I will be next month. None of that matters. I am fighting to learn more about who I am right now. Placing a careful ear against my whims and impulses, wondering why they’re there and where they are leading me. 

I believe you need two things to get you where you need to go. The first is an eye on the horizon. This is what has given me so much. Hungry, running towards the sun for 20 years now. This only works for so long if you don’t have the second. The internal compass that tells you where you’re running and why it matters so much to you. Losing touch with this makes you grow tired, weary, cynical. I am finding mine again.

We have a tendency to abandon the things we need most because we think we don’t deserve them. This manifests in two ways. We give up showers, good nights of sleep, proper meals to work on essays and study for exams. We strip away art, hobbies, friendships- deeming them distractions from work or school.

Don’t do this to yourself. You have the power to find the balance between these things. This is not to say that you must engage in all things equally at all times, however, I encourage you to find the balance that works for you, in your circumstances, as you see fit. Sleep is healing. Fresh air is healing. Laughter is healing. Washing the day off is healing. Tend to yourself every day as you would your to-do list. You are all that you have.

I’m learning to advocate for myself. To make sacrifices whenever I want. To lower the stakes. To tell myself that I deserve more than I’ve ever allowed myself to believe I did in the past. To stop reprimanding my needs. To dream with my hands and speak from my chest. To own my changes of mind and changes of heart. To give myself the space to fuck up and try again. To be anything and everything. To go anywhere and everywhere.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know who I’ll be.

and that’s fine. it’s all fine.

*izzy angus, 20

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