1 * im back & the site is different!

monday – 2 sept

to-buy:

• dish soap
• creamer
• toilet paper

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“I think that we start being at peace with others and all these elements when we are at peace first with ourselves. So until you get to a place where the other is minimized and what you want is maximized, there will still be that conflict. Also, when you talk about the fact that your personal growth has been wrapped up in that of others, that means that in a way maybe the growth was not personal, maybe it was for them.”

notes from my therapist

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tuesday – 3 sept

hi! i’m back. i decided to do something different. you’ve probably noticed that the site looks different :~) i’m really happy about it. so, i’m explaining that right now.

this site has been one of the greatest things in my life and also one of my greatest weaknesses. it put pressure on my own personal growth to be something worth reading. to be something beautiful and coherent. to quite literally fit a current self into a collage of past selves, each one trying something new on and each one resenting the last for giving up so easily. entirely normal shedding of skins felt like flaking on convictions i forced myself to hold on to.

that’s not the point of this site. this site is about growth. it’s about right now. it’s about looking forward. it’s, evidently, about fucking up and trying new things. supposed to be candid. 

so i’m going back to that. i’m leaning back into the haphazard and casual posts i used to throw up every week, except this time, they’re even more haphazard and casual! i’m giving you >600 words every week of anything that comes to mind. snippets of song lyrics, poems, to-do lists, notes, journal entries, photos, videos i’ve been watching, albums and movies i love. 

no answers, no claims, no master plans, no festering ruminations. just facts. this is what i did today. this is what i’m thinking today. this is what my life looks like, right now. at this very moment at this age.

maybe i have therapy that day and doc dropped some mad wisdom. maybe i need to get an oil change for my car. maybe i am ill, yet still need to take an exam. just a small window into my life and what goes on in the dome. because that’s what this site is about. not getting to the Bottom of What Adolescence is about. Not reaching my Final Form. just letting myself be a person, for once.

i took a break for most of 20 because i felt (feel) terrified of not having any answers. i felt (feel) guilty for not believing in or embodying any of the things i want to be: brave, wistful, patient, whatever.

ergo! i’m not even going to pretend that i have a handle on things anymore. i used to do this– a lot. and a lot of meta-framing certainly poorly disguised my attempts to seem very aware of the fact that i don’t have a handle on things. 

but starting right now, i am making it a point to no longer conjecture about the future, nor will i pigeonhole myself into the past. i carry a lot of guilt and shame around with me, as a person, and this is one of the ways i am learning to let go of that. 

no more answers, no more pretending, no more conclusions. 

just me and a cursor and a white screen and your eyeballs– right here, right now. 

i have a lot of fun plans for this site that i’ll slowly ease into as i let myself melt back into the space and make it my own once again.

so changes: i updated the theme and the about the blog, contact, and mission pages. i will eventually reconfigure my socials– they’re in flux right now. i’ll let u know when they’re updated. ❤

thank you for sticking around to read what i have to say. whether you’ve been here since i was 16 or you’re green to the chaos that is my self-reflection– i love you i love you i love you. 

there are big things in store. i am so excited to share. love you so much. 

*izzy, 20

{ listening to: high as hope – florence + the machine « watching: when the wind rises « reading: on earth we’re briefly gorgeous – ocean vuong }

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p.s. if you read this within 12 hours of it being posted i’m so sorry the formatting was so crusty lol learning this new theme slowly but surely!