2* burned hufflepuffs, red-eyes, and more endless words on shame

wednesday – 4 sept

took another sorting quiz that came up on my twitter tl. i’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure myself out based on various personality tests, whether that be through hogwarts houses or myers-briggs personality tests or astrology.

someone tweeted this quiz out, saying that it was the only hp sorting hat quiz they trust, so i decided to take it. i’ve fluctuated between hufflepuff and gryffindor my whole life (bc OF COURSE you’re going to bend the rules and re-sort, again and again, as you grow up).

they sort you based on your answers to certain questions, as they usually do, but there’s nothing subliminal about it. no cryptic favorite animal or color choices here. they ask you what you value and how you would react in situations– and the questions are tough.

they sort you based on a primary house, a secondary house, and also acknowledge if you “model” the behaviors of another house that you don’t necessarily belong to.

Your Primary House defines WHY you do things: your reasons, motivations, and drive.


Your Secondary defines HOW: your methods, actions, and behaviors.
You can also use the tools and systems of a House you don’t belong to.

This is called “modelling.” You might model a Ravenclaw Secondary, if you really value gathering knowledge and skills. Or you might model a Ravenclaw Primary, if you admire the careful logic and philosophy that underlies that House’s morality. But you wouldn’t feel guilty for dropping the ideals or methods of those models for the sake of other priorities.

@sortinghatchats

one thing that i particularly loved about this quiz is that it acknowledged the nuances of growing up and out of certain, “purer,” behaviors that exactly align with the house you were first sorted into (before you went through the trauma that is 7 years at hogwarts). for example, i was sorted into slytherin primary with this quiz, but they pointed out that i could also just be a burned hufflepuff primary instead. they allow you to choose whichever one feels truer to you. i chose the latter.

Your Primary or Secondary House can also be “Burned.” For instance, someone might have a Burned Gryffindor Primary. Burned Houses still value the ideals or methods of their original House, but they’re exhausted and resigned. If the world was better, they’d live by those ideals — but the world isn’t, and they feel they have to be practical. They often find unburned members of their House tiring, frustrating, or naive.

@sortinghatchats

isn’t that interesting! so, as of now, i’m a burned hufflepuff primary and a gryffindor secondary, and i don’t model any other houses. that gryfflepuff split, through and through.

let me know in the comments (or however u want)~ what you were sorted into and how it differs from how pottermore sorted you!


thursday – sept 5

took the red eye from sfo-bos; in between dreams, when i woke every 10 minutes for the first hour i was sleeping, i dreamt the pilot was driving the plane in circles on the tarmac never actually taking off.

i woke up again at 1am pst/4am est, floating somewhere over the us, only to see the cabin dark– dozens of shaking bodies, curled in various ways, eking sleep from turbulent skies.


monday – sept 9

and what do we do about the brutal voices?

there’s no more vicious pairing than guilt and regret.

i don’t know when i adopted shame as a personality trait, but it takes up so much space. sitting. thumping cold, at the bottom of my ribcage. sometimes hot, behind my eyes, telling me it’s wrong! it’s wrong! you’re wrong! you were wrong! you messed up, baby! you’re not cut out for this! this, as in, everything! who do you think you are! you fucked up your first and only impression with that person almost 10 months ago! you wasted 3 years! you aren’t doing enough! everything you do is not good enough! you have not replied to texts in 3 days! why are you sad? what are you hiding? you didn’t speak up at that dinner party when things got political! why are you falling like this? falling so hard and fast, all the time, about the silliest things? why can’t you stand today? don’t you think you’re demanding a bit too much? don’t you think you’re being silly?

it’s a sickness. it’s anxiety. it’s some kind of depression. it’s taken precious things and spoiled them from the inside. taken hearts of friendships and things-i-used-to-enjoy and events-i-should-have-fun-at… gotten them absolutely rotten for no reason other than my urge to self-isolate in times of crisis. a fear of asking for help. the guilt of not helping enough.


you are trying to find a balance…and you find yourself wanting to hold back, but as you think of holding back you are also reminded that in some ways you do need the others to be a part of your cause and I think that is where most of the conflict is.

notes from therapy

“if i can’t help myself, how can i help anyone else? “if i can’t love myself, how can i love anyone else?”

it’s a twisted bastardization of self-love mantras that has mangled itself into a monster that precludes my own growth and safety and flexibility in the most despicable way.

i want to believe– i want it to be true– that there is enough love. even if i don’t have enough for myself as of right now. that i can still share some kind of love with others even when i am lacking. that i am not being selfish when i turn inwards. that i am not wasting anything. that things are not failed nor broken, because nothing is over yet.

but i know that i need to do better. i need to do more than just comfort myself with platitudes. i need to genuinely heal, and work for it. ask for help. help others. stop fighting all by myself. stop getting stuck on my own where the voices are really, really, really mean.


will sent me this poem the other day. i didn’t read it until a few days later when i sat down at my laptop to write this, but i guess that means that it came right on time. love you, will.

Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.


Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.


This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

things to look forward to:

  • penpal letters from brenna and meike
  • another day with the bf
  • dinner with my cousin this week
  • school starting soon
  • going to a lake tomorrow
  • discovering a new rhythm for writing

tuesday – sept 10

what would it be like to acknowledge tension, but not try to change it? what would it be like to acknowledge discomfort, but not try to change it?

simple habit, meditation #6

*izzy, 20


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