it’s been a while~ i hope you’re hanging in there.
i am working on something new… slowly… but mainly just trying to get through every day, which sometimes looks like this. i hope i can share a bit of peace with you right now
i have been thinking a lot about how much space i take up– i have been thinking about this for the past two years, i think, but especially so once quarantine started. i think in the past 6 months, i’ve lost a lot of self-confidence that was already waning a bit in my last year of school. i sort of feel like i’ve spent all my time at home hiding, and i only realized recently that i am actually so terrified of a whole lot of things (which is completely reasonable right now).
i think i’m having trouble with vulnerability and making claims about anything, even claims about what i believe/what i think/what i’ve been feeling because of how uncertain Everything is.
i have been wanting to come back to this blog for such a long time, yet feel like i have so little to say that i would have feel proud to share… but maybe that’s the important part? i wonder what kind of things i would share now, if i treated this like the one place in my life i wasn’t afraid to take up space in as of right now… and just shared as much as i could, like i used to 3-4 years ago? i want to, but the thought is still daunting. i think i was cut off/cut myself off from a lot of the venues where i found comfort and perspective (no longer in school, living away from friends, disabled all of my social media, stopped making art altogether), and so… i think i need to push myself to continue creating and share myself with others again. i’ve always relied on physical proximity to connect with others, and i need to work harder to keep in touch and not… simply disappear! like i tend to do.
if you’re still subscribed and you’re still reading, i really cannot put into words how grateful i am for you. i am still catching up on emails and texts i haven’t responded to in the past few months, but if you’ve reached out to me or you still support this blog or if you grew up with me for the past few years, you’re solely the reason why i feel even the slightest bit comfortable returning to this platform, while i’m grappling with a lot of insecurity right now
i hope you can find some comfort or clarity in anything that i share, and if you want to leave a comment or send me an email i would love to hear from you. i know many of you are starting college now, and i would love to be a listening ear for any frustrations you’re having or if you’re happy or scared or feel like you don’t really have anyone to tell. i can leave a contact box at the end of this post~ let me know if you’d like me to respond or if it’s just a little shout into the void, which is also very understandable ❤ please be gentle with the box, and with yourself ❤ ❤ ❤
anyway . hmmmm. i had a lot of big plans to start making Youtube videos and start making regular content but the thought of it was a bit paralysing and overwhelming, so i am trying to focus on baby steps and just create things that i like to create for now (which now kinda feels like polishing spoons on the Titanic).
i decided to use the name yanB for things i create, because it’s become a mantra i’ve written for myself as i grapple with the mean and anxious invasive thoughts that only get louder in isolation. my bad self talk usually manifests in the idea that i’m a Bad friend, a Bad student, a Bad person, a Bad artist, a Bad worker, etc. and it causes me to close up and shut everything out; to sort of… quit while i can? I know it’s not true, but i can’t help but be convinced sometimes. so yanB stands for “you are not Bad” and communicates the idea that you are not ultimately capital-B Bad. you can redeem yourself, people make mistakes and do things that are not so nice, but you can work to make these things right.
so, i’ve transferred my youtube channel over to this new account, to be a small reminder to you and to myself that we are trying our best and that there is always room to grow. i don’t know what else will pop up on that channel, but i’ll make sure, as always, to share it here as well whenever i do post. ^^
in the meantime, please enjoy 3 minutes of snuggles with benjie~ i want to make comforting videos, and this little guy has grounded me so much and kept me such good company lately, i hope you can feel his warmth through this video.
lastly, i want to apologize for not following through on the last series i had planned last year– i simply could not do it. i was at capacity, and was not really ready to manage a project like that. sincerely, thank you for your interest in it, thank you for waiting for me, and i apologize for disappearing.
that said, 10 years is a long time for a project like this to change and stall and swell and shrink… i think it’ll be terribly sad at 26 when this is over. i’m now 21, and there are quite a few lost memories.. i might go through and share old journal entries from the past two years~ just for the sake of documentation~ to give you a Real peek into what was on my mind while i was gone~ i’ll think about it *^^
please stay safe and healthy, wear a mask, and please donate your time and energy to the causes that speak to you, if you are able.
just to name a few that are on my mind:
- click here for everything you need to vote: https://www.vote.org/
- volunteer to reach out to young voters: https://nextgenamerica.org/
- in addition to the louisville bail fund, please consider donating to the louisville mutual aid fund that goes straight into the work that organizers, activists, and community members are doing to support their community: https://www.gofundme.com/f/louisville…
- and here’s a quote i came across in regards to voting, that helped me reframe this idea of “settling for biden”: “Undecided voter? Voting 3rd Party?? Leaving it blank? Best voting advice: Voting isn’t marriage. It’s public transport. You’re not waiting for “the one”. You’re getting on the bus. And if there isn’t one going exactly to your destination, you don’t stay home and sulk. You take the one that’s going closest to where you want to be.”
please stay hopeful and be kind to yourself and loved ones
i love you, please take care