hello beautiful person~ i hope you’re well and healthy~

i just got my BRACES on, and i’m coming up on my one week anniversary with the metal in my mouth ❤

i’m planning on talking about the process of getting braces on in the future, because i’m sure a lot of people out there are nervous about getting braces on, and even getting braces on as an adult. but, in the meantime, i made this video! in which i simply sit down and talk through some of the stuff that i’m unreasonably embarrassed about, so i can just move on and stop trying to hide myself~

my ortho appointment was scheduled very suddenly, so i didn’t get a chance to film a video before my appointment– i was nervous i wouldn’t be able to put a video out this week. and i was also frankly demoralized when i was blending all of my foods into porridge so i could eat properly, and trying to learn how to speak around the rubber bands in my mouth– i thought maybe i would just give it up!!! yes, that’s very dramatic and i recognize that!!! but hey!!!

this video is really lighthearted and i’m sincerely really happy with that. i think for the past few years everything has been really heavy and weighty to me, like even the fun stuff were actually things i leaned on really heavily for emotional support~ so when i listen to certain songs or watch certain shows, i’m taken back to rougher times, completely on accident.

when i was told that i would need braces, i think it struck me how much i was actually leaning on my appearance and the control i felt i had over my appearance in order to maintain some kind of security or stability everyday. i mention in this video that this might be “not a right way” to think, but i think there is some merit in maintaining and nurturing yourself in order to stay afloat.

however, if it gets to the point where it’s a point of asserting some kind of white-knuckled control over something, when you start to derive your confidence and worth from it… i think this could be more dangerous. there is always a balance to strike, and i was tipping towards something unsustainable. we never have ultimate control over anything, except maybe our attitude and actions– and even then…

i didn’t like that i felt like i lost control over my appearance, and that made me uneasy. and though i think about it rationally and know that it’s silly, especially after having adjusted to them in the past week, i was really worried. i realized that being beautiful is never the most interesting part of anyone that i meet, and especially not of myself. i also realized that i am very cute! and admitting that isn’t a crime~ so i just uhhhh made this video and laughed it off i suppose~

i also went ahead and talked about a bunch of other things that i wanted to laugh off and stop overthinking. i want to be a youtuber! i am trying to be more lighthearted and let myself enjoy things without striving to be ultimately different and interesting (to the point of pretentiousness)~ i love kpop and it makes me happy in so manyy different ways (which i plan on talking about much more in the future). and some other things not mentioned in the video: i sometimes feel scared i might have peaked when i was younger. i don’t like that i habitually try to mediate how i’m perceived by other people. i used to dream about running away a lot, but i’m trying to stop doing that~ i also re-read some of my old posts last night and i think i really was so cool and some of that writing is SO good; i wanna be like her but i know i can only keep changing. /these things make me feel a little MMMMMM…. to say aloud, but why pretend i’m not feeling it?? for whose sake?? who and what am i saving when i withhold admitting the stuff that i’m embarrassed about? why not just surrender yourself to truth and vulnerability??? what would it be like if we all did that

anyway, i hope this video can keep you company~ i’m really cheery and fun in it and i honestly think the clips of Editing Izzy are my favorite parts of the video. i’m going to start experimenting with more things, and i’m not sure if i’ll share every single video with a full blog post, to spare your inbox. but if i have more to say, i’ll share it here as well ❤

that said, if you still wanna know when i post, without a whole essay from me~ remember to subscribe to my channel on youtube ❤ 😚😌

i love you very much, if you get to this point, please leave a comment on the video about your favorite thing about yourself, i promised everyone who does it a little :~* on the top of their head ❤ (figuratively only; wear your masks and stay in this weekend)

i love you i love you i love you

be safe and healthy


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