*21, 2020

during which: i start wearing my hair in two little buns on top of my head, my face is set to a sort of sleepy, resigned smile all the time. i take an asian american art history class AND an asian american autobiography class in one quarter and my heart sings. i almost embark on my senior spring quarter of college and i make plans to find my Big Fat Delicious Closure to reconnect with friends i feel like i had isolated myself from… and incidentally my plans do not happen, like everyone else’s.

i move home, i quietly finish college in my childhood bedroom. i finish school feeling more distant to anyone than ever. i repaint my walls and build my new sanctuary. we welcome home benjie and rosie, two new puppies, into our family.

i still love kpop. i dance until from 7pm to 2am every night, and in the process… i become SO set on auditioning for a k-entertainment company to become a popstar and performer (i let this go quickly). i fixate on my appearance and can fit into my 5-year-old prom dresses again. i learn korean from listening to korean variety television all day and taking online lessons.

later that summer, i finally take over my brother’s childhood bedroom, so that i can get the light that streams in during sunset. i start my youtube channel. i get braces on and my wisdom teeth removed. i spend days and days and days in my room by myself and in my backyard and on my tiny balcony. i become my best friend.

–izzy, *23