I stood where the tide retreated. The sky turned the wet sand into glass, and the clouds gave way to the sun for a single, golden hour. Wind whipped through our clothes and mixed its song with laughter, as the crisp February air chilled our cheeks and seeped into our socks to freeze our toes.

It’s been months since I’ve last written. I feel like I’ve felt more and more different with every month, maybe even every week, that passes. 

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pont notre-dame

28 november 2018 22:45

i have a very interesting relationship with privacy and solitude. 

i crave it, yet so willingly share so much of myself in measured ways. i have a voice that demands to be heard and find trouble writing music in dorm rooms or, most recently, my bedroom in my homestay. year in and year out, i hate how little privacy i have, spatially. at home i used to sit at my piano well after midnight, my parents fast asleep upstairs with their doors shut, belting and playing to my heart’s content. last summer, i wrote the riverside as i found release in the absolute privacy that nature gave me. a physical escape that gifted me absolute white noise, absolute isolation, to simply be. 

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homesick *3: in my head

I wrote a bit on my Instagram one night when I hit the 4-week mark of my program. I’m officially half-way through my stay in Paris and I’d like to continue the thought here.

To anyone whose thoughts have grown to be white noise, and you just want your brain back. Or to anyone trying to learn how to exist outside of your head. Or to anyone trying to build a home in themselves and find their peace in right now. 

However, this is primarily a note to self. To step out of my head, come back down to earth, and put my two feet back on the ground already. 

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homesick *2: on childhood

I’ve decided to pull together any of the posts to come in these next 3 months under the series title, “homesick.” While the first post was a more typical blog post, meant to be read more casually, I’m hoping, in these next three months, to process everything I’m feeling (believe me, it’s a lot) while I’m away from home in formal segments. This is Chapter 2 of homesick. I hope you enjoy.

the house is silent. the air smells faintly of fresh, morning, farmland. my stomach is full of rice and sinigang, while i can feel the ring of german, tagalog, and unsteady english in my head.

leg #2 of this whole adventure takes place at my aunt’s house (whom I’ve met for the first time upon flying into zürich), in switzerland, where i stay with family, yet still feel incredibly far away when it comes time to lay down for bed.

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the hard way

Hello beautiful,

UPDATE: I woke up early enough to need a sweater this morning, I embroidered that same sweater last night with my residents. I finished Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance (recommended to me by Adam) (incredible book) and I’m around 150 pages out from wrapping up Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss (by the time I came back to revise this post, I finished the book, and WOW). I’m wearing less and less makeup day to day (did you know you’re not supposed to exfoliate every day??), and I cut off a bunch of my hair by myself on Saturday. I wrote a song. I watched a whole lot of sunsets last week (7, to be exact), ate a 3-hour lunch while catching up with Quinn, ate a bunch of HaloTop ice cream with Brenna. I found a little café where, if you angle your chair a certain way and really dig into the book you’re reading or the piece you’re writing, you can ignore the fact that there is a crowded, honking parking lot right next to you, but at least they have little wicker chairs and good iced tea. I’m seeing Eighth Grade by Bo Burnham on Thursday, my former history teacher and college recommender and friend Mr. Rust is visiting Friday morning and I’ll see Brenna perform in her first ~professional show~ by Stanford Rep Theatre that night. I’m sure there are more things about this week to look forward to, but hey.

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plans for happiness

2AM on a monday


updates on goals: 70% done with my book, writing this post now, haven’t written a song but definitely singing, reading le petit prince every night, and i signed up for group classes at the gym so woo!

gonna be a short post this week and i hope to publish two in this coming week.

i bought my plane tickets to boston and europe on wednesday. i journaled some. i cried to mom some. my brother left for brasil yesterday. i spent some number of afternoons feeling sorry for myself, and another some sitting under the shade of my favorite spot on campus reading. an afternoon talking to myself and monologuing with a voice journal, drinking sugary drinks i know i don’t need, and waiting and waiting and waiting.

i had a big epiphany this week! huge news, because they are few and far between these days.

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go for it

20h26 8 juillet 2018

hi! only a couple hours left for me to write this blog post before the end of week 2 to achieve at least one of my weekly goals. i’m turning through a pretty hefty book right now, and was also faced with major demotivation and fatigue, so nothing’s really happened. 

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check-in: may

May 21st, 2018 21:19

Hi, sweet friend. Long time no see.

I’m writing today because my mind has finally gotten too loud for me to hear myself think. It’s been a few months since I’ve checked in, almost exactly 3, and I’m doing fine. I’ve been waiting for a moment when I had something substantive to say, but I think for posterity and transparency’s sake, I should take the time to write right now. 

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