i turned 19 yesterday!!

so, because my birthday is so close to new years, i’ll take today to reflect on the past year and use new year’s to look forward to the next.

i think this is how i’ll do it from now on— on my birthday, the 27th, i’ll look back on how the past year went, in terms of my resolution last year. then, i’ll take those few days between then and new year’s to think about where i want to focus my energy for both the next calendar year and the next year of life.

here’s a link to last year’s post, to love it all

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new beginnings!

19 Decembre 2017 10h30

Hello! I’m alive! It’s been exactly 2 months since I last wrote to you, which is a shame because I’ve had quite a few drafts in the past couple of months simmering on the stove-top that never quite made it to you.

There is so much to fill you in on, so let’s go over today’s agenda:

  1. Fall Quarter is Over!
    • Sophomore Year glows a different kind of light.
    • I changed my major!
  2. Mental Health, throughout it all: new manifestations
    • How I felt,
    • and why I felt it
  3. Let’s Go: new beginnings
    • Looking Forward
    • A New Outlook

Keep this in mind as you read– a part of my last journal entry:

If there is anything I love doing, it’s arbitrarily declaring myself new beginnings. Time to lean into change, discomfort, complexity, and uncertainty and know that’s where my power lies. I’m done waiting and done wishing; it’s time to start.

Here we go!

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gushing: somewhat of an update

pulled up my notes tonight and rambled for a bit before going to bed.

upon finishing it, i thought i should post it. the sky was very pink this evening and it gave me the same beautiful, now-familiar feeling that i have grown well-acquainted with recently. i describe the feeling somewhat in-depth here.

thank you to everyone in my life that has given me so much love and warmth thus far. you have gifted me a life filled with softness, peace, and joy. it would not be the same without you. i love you more than you know,,

october 18th, 01:14

dear world,

hi! it’s really late. i should be sleeping because i have class in 9 hours. 

mmmmmmmm, at sunset today, my phone and laptop were dead. i left my journal in my dorm room and didn’t have a book to read, so, empty-handed, i walked to the strip of road that gave me the clearest view of the westward sky, and stood there and watched how pink everything became as the sun set lower and lower. i wasn’t sure if it was the lights at the student union turning on or if it was the rosy glow of the entire 6:30pm sky, but everything suddenly felt warm and had this pink haze around it. 

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the riverside

20:00 september 14th, 2017

i don’t even know where to begin, to be quite honest.

kath and i are snuggled up in our respective beds, freshly showered and laundry all done after 3 days spent somewhere, tucked away in big sur.

after a year-long creative drought when it came to songwriting, i finally wrote another song.

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SS17 #3: ramble from soco

17:30 september 7, 2017

so i’m actually scrapping a lot of the initial summer series topics because there’s a lot to write about! and i don’t think i’m fully ready to write everything i’ve had on my mind just yet. still processing. it’s okay. at least i’m writing!

anyway, i’m writing this from monterey, ca on day 3? of sophomore college. sand falls from my journal pages every time i open it and i’m really running out of pages. we’ve eaten beneath christmas lights in an old car port every night for dinner. driving home at 4 o’clock after an afternoon on the beach; salty, dry, warm, sleepy. coming home and taking a warm shower and crawling into bed or standing out on the balcony as the coastal breeze dries you off. i’m a romantic. i love it.


09:50 september 11, 2017

i keep trying to write, but i don’t really know what to say. i’m happy, i’m excited, i’m a little sweaty. we just packed the cars to go camping for 3 days, and we’re just about ready to leave pacific grove to head for the mountains.

if i can say anything about this soco, i can honestly say that everyday i find something else to love deeper. whether it’s the people here, the skies, the ocean, cooking breakfast, jellyfish, strangers– there is so much in this world worth loving, and it is such a privilege to participate and witness humanity in its smallest, purest, most beautiful forms.

kath and i made a homey little home out of our small room tucked in the corner next to the kitchen of our apartment. we’re roaming around the greater monterey area, all 15 of us, and hopping from beach to beach, camping, and appreciating nature and humanity for everything that it is.

one thing that i have finally come to internalise while having this moment to reflect and recharge at the pace of this beautiful program and this beautiful city is that holding expectations about people, places, experiences, and things is so dangerous. thinking that something should be this or should be that is unfair to the reality you are experiencing. i remember thinking things were “unfair” because i “should”  have been _________ instead of whatever was happening to me. but the fact of the matter is that what i was living the life that was playing out in front of me, not whatever fantasy i cooked up in my head. and that’s that.

the longer i’m alive, the more i realize that it is best to simply take things as they are. go with the flow, don’t stress over a change in plans, be intentional, and take your time. forgive yourself, forgive others, talk about your feelings, take deep breaths, watch a sunrise, don’t skip out on swimming in the ocean just because the water is cold, share music, sit down for meals, listen, enjoy silence, laugh, and find the best in everything. 

i’m built to love and built to smile. 

i’m gonna go, i wanna hop off my phone for the rest of this trip, so here’s just a brief check in for now! here are some photos

(okay honestly i’m writing this on my phone and i have no idea if these photos uploaded or not) (check my twitter and instagram for the same photos though lol!!) (only a little sorry about the messy post!)

lots and lots of love!

EDIT: p.s. thank you for all the kind words regarding my last post. love and strength to all of you; thank you for inspiring me everyday

VIDEO: My Freshman Spring Quarter


another quarter, another quarter video! 

in which i’m elected as class president, i join a sorority, and i learn how to longboard.

while this does a job of painting that idyllic picture for the third time in a row, i’m going to, once again, throw out that disclaimer that this quarter was very challenging in its own unique way.

throughout spring quarter, sure, you can party 5 days a week. sure, you can take poetry and have classes outside. sure, you can even say that just having the sun out is incredible. but like. we both know the deal here. it’s exhausting, and electric, and exciting, and fun, but we’re young and it’s so easy to get caught up in whatever it is one gets caught up in. 

when considering the music i would set this video to, i was considering the song perfect places by lorde. it’s a glorious song with sad, strikingly honest lyrics. i won’t say too much, but just find the lyrics to perfect places- you’ll get it. 

spring was undoubtedly fun, but my spring quarter was also hectic, high-energy (without ever truly letting up), frustrating, and just fundamentally: a lot. 

i loved this quarter. i really did. i’ve met so many new people, i’ve made so many new friends, campus suddenly opened up dramatically, but just know that there is, of course, a lot that is not on camera. i.e. scrambling to get work done, self-doubt, lack of motivation, anxiety, getting deathly ill between weeks 3-4, feeling disgusting after going out so much— it’s not going to be flames and fireworks and electricity all 10 weeks. by the end of it, i was excited for the quarter to end. not to leave stanford, but rather for everything to just stop and to rest. 

however, this was the end of my freshman year. and it was unbelievable. someone asked me if it was the greatest year of my life, and the answer was yes. of course it was. i’ve grown and learned so much. i’ve felt small, in both bad and existentially comforting ways. i’ve found lifelong friends. i’ve come to realise that life is a lot more complicated than i could have ever comprehended it to be before leaving brentwood. highest highs and lowest lows, as they say. and i wouldn’t change any of it for the world. 

at the end of the day, stay by zedd is a much more fitting song; desperately clinging onto something (that being, y’know, our youth) and knowing that time is passing and we have to move on, but begging it to stay for just one more minute. 

here’s my freshman spring quarter, part 3/3 of my freshman year. ❤


P.S. Happy Summer, congratulations to the newest graduates, can’t wait to write some more soon.