throughout most of quarantine i did not share much, until i started my youtube channel in november, but here some pre-covid thoughts when i was so excited to hurry up and heal
click any of the dates to visit the post
january 16, 2020
i know social media is entirely not that serious but for me, regarding the ways that i grew up using it, it was one of the sole vehicles with which i attempted to construct an understanding of my life; how fucked up it is to have the power at such a young age to develop and curate a narrative in real time; to develop your self to constantly view your present in self in terms of how it makes sense with the beginning. to suffer from the burden of literary continuity over geological scale and never affording yourself the luxury of spontaneity, massive tectonic shifts, comings and goings, etc. i came to really grow anxious and afraid of social media. as if my pillar of vulnerability crumbled as i came to scrutinize my motives, the unreliable narrator lumbering her way through the world, unleashing moral epithets about connection unto the reader as if i knew Anything. well i don’t! and i’ll continue to come here, stand on my soapbox once a month or so, and really lay it on thick about how wacky and different i am and how i dont have a handle on things and how hard things are. maybe i’ll be specific maybe more vague. Maybe its to serve you and to give you a gust of realism that is entirely unrelated to the lotus hotel of the Internet And tell u its okay that ur crying right now, or maybe i simply Love to talk about myself in this format. who is to say? love you .
p.s. i feel good right now, i am off the ssri’s that i took in december (lexapro, 5mg, 1 month), i have classes i love and i got to speak to a professor that i really look up to and she complimented my work and reminded me to chill. i get migraines every week or two but at least i am afloat. i love my therapist. i am much more joyful these days and i am more inclined to share (like actually) so maybe i will . i have kind and beautiful friends i love very much. love uuu~
january 27, 2020
maybe its not what changes but what persists … selfies after make up, begging sunsets to stay at least until your favorite song ends, wanting to look hot (not cute), absurd friends that feel like another limb, absurd love over kind men that dont know your name, nails painted with painstaking care – maybe its never been permanence or impermanence, but merely where lines meet again, where loops close and points in time intersect and maybe names and scenery and your capacity to let the polish dry has all changed, but you still paint your nails. you still cry over boybands and you feel like you’re 13 again. you dont mind your cheeks anymore and you dont cry when you cut your hair. maybe whats fallen away in the past year– the parties and the yelling and the blonde balayage and the sweat and the insatiable excess and the energy– maybe itll come back, not rearing an ugly head, but i’ll simply feel electric and fire and dizzy and swollen and excited once again. maybe ill write again . maybe ill talk to the sun again. maybe i am afraid because i miss parts of me that i do not realize i will return to. The same way that i missed the confetti and the smell of acetone, and staring at my face for so long i think it might break. i dont think anything ever leaves but things come out when they must. like keys on a piano or something . Chords howling, purposeful, when they feel right , does not mean the other 78 keys do not exist. maybe whitman said It best !!! I contain multitudes. I am still here
march 5, 2020
an update from the past couple of weeks in which i have been so very tired and so very achy but i think overall feeling very full!
i did not realize how little care i put into myself last quarter until i started tidying up everyday, decorating and making sure that my space was a place that i wanted to exist in, watching shows and listening to music and doing nothing else, properly taking care of my skin and doing my makeup in the morning, reassuring myself constantly that the things that i do are enough and i am valuable . It did not all change all of a sudden it took lots of people and patience and long talks and rearranging furniture w my own two hands. but suddenly we r in march and i feel lighter
im getting to b with nature a bit more as the weather gets better. i am proud of the work that i do, i am happy meeting new people that are so talented, i think i am starting to believe once again that i hav some good things to say sometimes. someone told me a piece i wrote for my class was her favorite thing she read all quarter which made me cry in the zap dining hall. i am proud of palm drive for putting on such a lovely little show last night filled with incredible and inspiring artists; i am lucky to work with them and learn from them. i am surrounded by light and color in my little bedroom and i do not mind waking up. i think even if i feel lonely, i can hold myself up until the next time i can get a hug.
a couple weeks ago i finally started to feel like i could perhaps keep doing this all for a bit longer~ no longer dragging my feet around waiting for graduation!! thank goodness. even if i am not singing , i am still surrounded by music !!!! and i am so happy about it 🙂 anyway, i miss my dogs they r glowing. please recommend more hyperpop and/or kpop for me to lose consciousness to when i am driving . I like seventeen and 100 gecs for reference .
love u, hang in there, wash your hands, and be kind to one another ❤ almost therrrrrr
*23 editor note: eerie foreshadowing asking everyone to wash their hands
march 14, 2020
half empty, half full, some parts already packed and driven home, captured before leaving in a rush- a bit like how i’ve seen this last year on campus
i’ve spent far more time in my room this year than usual: spending afternoons and evenings moving furniture, lofting and delofting my bed by myself, adorning the walls and stripping them bare again and again, reshuffling clothes and supplies into various spaces, figuring out what things to display and what to keep hidden.
i guess, as i’m writing this, i’m realizing that this room is a little microcosm of control and self-expression and agency that could scale, spatially and temporally, to my time here at school.
i found a room configuration and a set up that i fell in love with a couple weeks ago. the ceiling rises high above my desk, with enough room for my head to breathe. my desk chair and my bed both nestled next to the window where i am greeted with green (as soon as i wake up or if i need a reprieve from staring at my laptop for hours). it’s silly, but i was bummed it took me so long to get to a point where i was satisfied with my home, but at least i had spring left to enjoy it a bit longer.
in my last post, i mentioned i was finally starting to feel like i could keep doing this a little while longer. school, living on campus, whatever. i was bummed it took me so long to get to a point where i was satisfied with my home, but at least i had spring left to enjoy it a bit longer.
anyway. goodbye to this little room, and thank u for everything. goodbye to many other things, but for now, just to u.
swipe for past rooms and some other ~angles~