i thought i’d go to bed early tonight- but it’s 2am here in paris and i, once again, can’t fall asleep.
i find myself daydreaming a lot here. i wander throughout the city, stretching a 30 minute commute to class into an hour. sometimes taking the long way home after sunset, so i can walk through the park in front of the cathedral near my homestay, when it’s sprinkling and all of the streetlights make everything glow. i dream of people and places. i dream of things to do when i get home, when i go somewhere else, when i wake up tomorrow.
everything is different. i’m less conscious about the space i take up here. my head is filled to the brim with all kinds of new things, good and bad. i’m forgetting a lot, remembering too much. i eat bread and cheese, drink coffee and wine, sit in clouds of cigarette smoke without batting an eyelash. i walk through city streets alone without worry. i play chicken with my sleep schedule and my coursework, yet indulge in long breakfasts, long journal entries, long walks, long phone calls. i’m counting down the days til i can go home, yet simultaneously am in no rush at all.
my head and heart are in a lot of different places all at once right now. that’s not necessarily bad- it’s just change, and it’s different. i’m trying to be more present. i’m trying to more intentionally give my energy and free time to more loving thoughts, healthier acts, meaningful interactions, etc. running away to paris for a few months isn’t going to solve your problems, but it will certainly give you the time and place to think about them, and start taking those steps towards finding a kind of peace that only you can create for yourself. building a home within yourself, so you have it with you wherever you are.
but that all starts with going to bed, waking up, and trying again.
will write more soon. 💌 -02:30, 16/10/2018
