vid/ stuff i’m embarrassed about that i’m done being embarrassed about~

hello beautiful person~ i hope you’re well and healthy~

i just got my BRACES on, and i’m coming up on my one week anniversary with the metal in my mouth ❤

i’m planning on talking about the process of getting braces on in the future, because i’m sure a lot of people out there are nervous about getting braces on, and even getting braces on as an adult. but, in the meantime, i made this video! in which i simply sit down and talk through some of the stuff that i’m unreasonably embarrassed about, so i can just move on and stop trying to hide myself~

my ortho appointment was scheduled very suddenly, so i didn’t get a chance to film a video before my appointment– i was nervous i wouldn’t be able to put a video out this week. and i was also frankly demoralized when i was blending all of my foods into porridge so i could eat properly, and trying to learn how to speak around the rubber bands in my mouth– i thought maybe i would just give it up!!! yes, that’s very dramatic and i recognize that!!! but hey!!!

this video is really lighthearted and i’m sincerely really happy with that. i think for the past few years everything has been really heavy and weighty to me, like even the fun stuff were actually things i leaned on really heavily for emotional support~ so when i listen to certain songs or watch certain shows, i’m taken back to rougher times, completely on accident.

when i was told that i would need braces, i think it struck me how much i was actually leaning on my appearance and the control i felt i had over my appearance in order to maintain some kind of security or stability everyday. i mention in this video that this might be “not a right way” to think, but i think there is some merit in maintaining and nurturing yourself in order to stay afloat.

however, if it gets to the point where it’s a point of asserting some kind of white-knuckled control over something, when you start to derive your confidence and worth from it… i think this could be more dangerous. there is always a balance to strike, and i was tipping towards something unsustainable. we never have ultimate control over anything, except maybe our attitude and actions– and even then…

i didn’t like that i felt like i lost control over my appearance, and that made me uneasy. and though i think about it rationally and know that it’s silly, especially after having adjusted to them in the past week, i was really worried. i realized that being beautiful is never the most interesting part of anyone that i meet, and especially not of myself. i also realized that i am very cute! and admitting that isn’t a crime~ so i just uhhhh made this video and laughed it off i suppose~

i also went ahead and talked about a bunch of other things that i wanted to laugh off and stop overthinking. i want to be a youtuber! i am trying to be more lighthearted and let myself enjoy things without striving to be ultimately different and interesting (to the point of pretentiousness)~ i love kpop and it makes me happy in so manyy different ways (which i plan on talking about much more in the future). and some other things not mentioned in the video: i sometimes feel scared i might have peaked when i was younger. i don’t like that i habitually try to mediate how i’m perceived by other people. i used to dream about running away a lot, but i’m trying to stop doing that~ i also re-read some of my old posts last night and i think i really was so cool and some of that writing is SO good; i wanna be like her but i know i can only keep changing. /these things make me feel a little MMMMMM…. to say aloud, but why pretend i’m not feeling it?? for whose sake?? who and what am i saving when i withhold admitting the stuff that i’m embarrassed about? why not just surrender yourself to truth and vulnerability??? what would it be like if we all did that

anyway, i hope this video can keep you company~ i’m really cheery and fun in it and i honestly think the clips of Editing Izzy are my favorite parts of the video. i’m going to start experimenting with more things, and i’m not sure if i’ll share every single video with a full blog post, to spare your inbox. but if i have more to say, i’ll share it here as well ❤

that said, if you still wanna know when i post, without a whole essay from me~ remember to subscribe to my channel on youtube ❤ 😚😌

i love you very much, if you get to this point, please leave a comment on the video about your favorite thing about yourself, i promised everyone who does it a little :~* on the top of their head ❤ (figuratively only; wear your masks and stay in this weekend)

i love you i love you i love you

be safe and healthy

izzy

1st vlog!!! patience, feeling things w/out judgement, and also i’m getting braces lol

hello i hope you’re doing well!!!

i’m genuinely so happy?? with how my first vlog turned out??? it took me by surprise!

on friday, when i woke up with the familiar anxiety that the day would just be… a day…. i decided to vlog and really talk through everything that was on my mind (anxieties, frustrations, exciting things, etc.) as i floated through my day (which, honestly, was 5x more eventful than 99% of my other days)

throughout the process– from starting to film, to kind of having a breakdown in the middle of the day and almost giving up on filming, to editing it nonstop all weekend– i feel like i rediscovered the main reason why i loved writing and love sharing online~

while for a while i felt like i was maybe painting my life a bit disingenuously rosy and beautiful, i also realize the act shapes the way that i frame my reality, attitude, outlook, mindset, etc.. it’s beautiful because i make it beautiful, i can choose to honor and remember the ups and reframe the downs. i can choose that. i’ve always chosen that.

so, having the opportunity to immerse myself in that act for an entire day, and craft this video (whilst learning SO much about premiere pro and developing a workflow on it) gave me a kind of giddiness and joy that i haven’t felt in SO long.

i had filmed a whole other video on tuesday, edited it, and then scrapped it, and decided to try again friday morning and i basically spent the weekend sucked into the process, and it’s been so cathartic and fun and freeing. 

in editing this video, i got to play a lot more with syncing cuts to music, color grading, graphics, text, and just getting to physicalize this whole internal life (that’s a lot more vibrant than i thought) that i’ve created in my room, keeping to myself for the past 8 months.

i’m so excited to give you all more videos and to share my ordinary days while thinking out loud some more… even if the days have all felt the same since march, externally, i know that every day can feel really full and busy and even exhausting when it comes to whatever shit is rattling around inside my brain. i want to honor my internal growth, and i want to connect with others again, and this is the best way that i know how. 

please do,,, like and subscribe and leave a comment and just say hi if you would like ❤ i’m so grateful for how well received this project has been thus far (it’s only been a week!) and it’s returning so much joy to my life.

i’ll see you sometime next week with another video ❤

i love you so much!

stay safe and healthy-

izzy

my first youtube video (again)! on some of the things i’m processing in quarantine!

hello!

yes, you saw that right~ i’m emerging from my hole to earnestly try youtube out for a second time! (look at that thumbnail!!)

am i excited? yes! am i scared? yes!

i’ve truly grown up on youtube. i’ve wanted to have my own channel for probably the last 10 years or something. i’ve filmed so many unfinished projects and thought so hard about this for the past few months and finally mustered up the courage to just go for it. i filmed this video last week and edited it slowly but surely for a long while, as i am bit by bit getting to know the basics of premiere pro and getting to know what kind of things i want to say to all of you (face to face!).

i remember when i first started my blog, i firmly believed that every single person could have a blog, every single person could share themselves and the things they have to say if that’s what they wanted to do. i believed that everyone had something unique and wonderful to bring to the table. i believed that until i stopped believing that about myself. so this is certainly an exercise in finding that faith in myself again, and my efforts to connect with you all further.

in this video, i talk about a few of the things that i’m trying to process– insecurities that were brewing in the past couple years, but certainly came to a head once i started living at home with very little external validation and social interaction. here, i give a little life update, and touch on three main points that i’m trying to remind myself of everyday.

i can’t help but think about how much i need to be reminded of these things constantly, how much i crave being told that i am enough, that i am special, that i am part of something, that i am valuable, that i have something to share, that i am trying my best and that i’m recognized by someone. this is not to say that nobody in my life ever tells me these things, because i do have friends and family that treat me gently with great love. but, as i get older all i want is to suddenly wake up one day and believe these things down into my bones once again– like i did when i was younger.

however, that won’t happen all at once. it’s something to practice, a muscle to exercise, work to be done. this youtube channel, and my blog as a complementary piece of it, is a part of that process 🙂

i hope i can offer any ounce of perspective or comfort or encouragement to you by sitting down and talking to my camera for a while. the music is gentle, and this video might be a nice thing to sit with while having a warm drink~ i hope this can allow us to be closer, in a way that i felt wasn’t as feasible solely through my writing.

you are allowed to take up space. you are constantly changing, along with everything else. you are on your own time. you are working hard. you have talents and values that you have every right to honor by nurturing them and not tucking them away from others or stifling yourself. so many people love you, and want what is best for you. and one of those people is writing this right now~

please subscribe to my channel and leave a little comment and say hello or share what’s on your mind if you would like~ i am very grateful and humbled to share so much of myself with you and to have grown up alongside you for so long ❤

i do earnestly hope to grow this channel and continue creating things that are fun and meaningful for both you and me in the future~ if you think you know someone that might vibe with all of this (*gesturing at myself*), send them my way!! ❤ and let me know if there are any kinds of videos that you’d like to see in the future! ❤

aside: as i sat down to write this, i got scared all over again to post and put myself out there again, but the thought of building a community on a platform like youtube, getting to talk to you in this way, and finally doing this thing i’ve wanted to do for so long… i’m so excited. i’ll work hard on this, for both of us!

and lastly: though this video was filmed and edited before the election results came around, i hope you are now able to take a deep breath now, rest, and get ready to continue moving forward. we still have a ways to go, and there is a lot of work yet to be done, but this is certainly a victory. stay safe.

i love you, stay healthy, and take care

izzy

through the night by iu (cover)

hello~

i hope you’re doing okay~

i am back sooner than i thought i would be, and that is nothing short of entirely thanks those of you that i heard from after my last post. i am so grateful to have gotten the honor to grow up with so many of you, and getting to connect with you through email this past week sincerely meant everything to me right now. i will leave another box below for anyone who wishes to vent a bit, needs a listening ear, needs some advice, or just wants to say hi~ i’ll certainly get back to you if you would like, and i can say that with more confidence now 🙂

tonight, i’d like to give you this quick cover of my favorite song. it’s called through the night by IU.

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4* a week with dana

hello! my name is dana, i’m a student at Brown studying Environmental Science and UX Design. but really, on a day-to-day basis i’m studying and understanding myself as a person, relative to what i’m learning. climate change is my issue and design is my medium — i get a lot of joy from talking to people at the intersections of disciplines. i’m a big broadway fan/spoken word poetry lover, but too afraid to admit it. i’m on a journey to speak to myself more gently and kindly; partly why i wrote this! 

this week saw me swinging into midterm season physically sick and emotionally exhausted, but i’ve since made it out battered but alive! thank you to izzy for letting me share something on this wonderful site i’ve long been a fan of, it’s really something special ❤

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