20:00 August 28th – It’s a Friday night and this is my stream of consciousness.
Have someone to tell you something as it is.
Their perspective is important, very, very important.
Even if their mindset is everything that you don’t seem to understand or even agree with in the world, knowing their perspective is so important.
My friend used to (actually, still continues to) tell me that I think too much.
And, I would always tell him, “Well, that’s just the way I am!”
That that’s my thing.
That that’s how I was made.
That I’ve spent the last 16.75 years of my life thinking, and there’s no way I’m stopping now.
That my lot in life has been thinking and formulating thoughts and conclusions and writing them out.
That everything I have done in my life has derived from a thought regarding how my action would amount to a consequence, a benefit, a purpose, a lesson.
I was just so confused as to how he could just not think about things.
And then I realized, it’s not that he doesn’t think about things.
It’s just that he chooses to think purely into necessary things.
I spent the past two weeks of my life with an odd weight on my shoulders.
I won’t delve into it as of right now, but it had to do with my actions and energy and effort I’m spending now, presently. Where I would direct it, and how its resultants would affect me now and how they would affect me in the future.
I realized that the greatest counter-weight I could have in my life was the ability to not overanalyze things— to literally not think about it so much.
It’s common for people to be like, “Oh, I overthink everything.”
But, the extent to which one could actually “overthink” something, is often relevant to the subject matter of which the thought is spent on.
When I personally overthink something, I realize that the energy that I spent dwelling on that topic was totally misplaced, and I should have just let that certain topic run its course.
I have a tendency to wish to have a handle on everything in my life.
My greatest fears, my greatest frustrations, my greatest heartbreaks have all stemmed from my inability to cope with the idea of uncertainty and just literal powerlessness.
(However, I do believe this is the root of all negative emotion, the combination of powerlessness and uncertainty. However, that’s for another blog post soon to come.)
But once you have relieved all qualms with the idea of a certain situation being out of your control, you simply have to accept it as it comes.
Now, I am not telling you to just live your life as a lemming, being pushed by the currents of life and not allowing yourself to steer yourself in a certain direction or even push back when you feel the need to.
There are just times in life when you need to find contentment in your environment.
This isn’t giving up. This isn’t a quitting attitude. It’s actually an incredibly mature attitude to achieve, and I have mad jealousy for anyone who possesses this quality innately.
That friend I have, he told me that he’s just happy all the time.
And of course, I didn’t believe it for a second, but I don’t know why I hadn’t– I had witnessed it. I am currently witnessing it.
I had seen him mad once, and it made me uncomfortable because he is someone I know that is not one to find discontentment in a situation.
With maturity, comes the ability to discern where and what to focus your thought and energy on.
He’s not a vegetable. Of course, he thinks about things, but he’s not like me.
Two nights ago, I basically lay in bed thinking about why I am the way I am. My mind was filled to the brim with thoughts on my reputation, my own self-image, my portrayal of both, how my actions align with each, and where who I really am fits into all of this.
It was, just, a lot.
I started getting a kind of sinking feeling in my stomach, and I was just, unsettled.
I’ve realized that, of course, while it’s good to think about those things, for reflection is a good thing, and mindfulness and awareness are two things I am a strong advocate for— there’s no point in allowing it to physically stress you.
Energy should be spent taking action (or inaction) of things you come to conclusions about.
If you choose action, then Do. Do the thing you allow your mind to dwell on. And if you choose inaction, to accept something the way it is, because to fight the ocean is futile, then find your contentment.
Say it out loud. Utter your counterarguments and counterexamples, and then realize the actual magnitude of the situation. Find the twist on your perspective that takes the weight off of your shoulders and allows you just to stand up straight and breathe.
This way, you’ll have a lot more energy left in you to chase after the things you want. Don’t run a race on a treadmill. Thinking about joining the race isn’t enough; take steps toward a goal.
Living and existing revolves around the idea of being at peace with yourself. And whatever facet in your life that you feel disrupts this, should be a catalyst in the process of allowing it to take you and your entire being. No, scratch that, you don’t let it take you— you take it. You don’t allow that part of your life to steer how you feel about it; you steer how it should make you feel.
TL;DR— Take it easy, man. Don’t misplace your thoughts, don’t misdirect your energy. Take action, don’t mentally and emotionally dwell on the hurt. Or take inaction, and walk with the wind rather than fly against it. This way, you’ll find peace.
— Love, Izzy
16til26* 