awow 4: small steps

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18, college, Personal, Projects

A Week of Writing: Day 4

02:15 Wednesday, March 29th

I am back on campus! To get some work done and pack some clothes before heading home for a little bit! I tried to record one of my old songs to put on YouTube, but I tanked as soon as I got all set up and started trying to record because my voice got all wonky since it was midnight and I am a tired gal.

Today, Chloe and I went ~thrifting~ since we’re ~quirky~ and I got like 7 blouses for $15. We tried to go shopping, but I started having this weird out of body experience in Uniqlo where between the ambience, the way they marketed their clothing, and the 20 spinning mannequins, I felt like I was in a store that was could have been found in a sci-fi movie. It was a lot. Cute clothes, though!

I finally get to type on my laptop again, and I feel like it’s going to waste because I am, once again, typing at 2am when my mind is basically mush. I’ll go to bed and write in the morning.

11:37am 

The number of overwhelming, “I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT WITH MY LIFE” moments I’ve gotten in the past 2 weeks is staggering.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been struggling a lot with the idea of feeling “stuck” or feeling “trapped” or feeling “stagnant,” and I often talk about how badly I want to just pick up everything and leave and just go somewhere, anywhere. I’m starting to realise that maybe I don’t need to stop my entire life to remedy that feeling of stagnancy. That concept of life being all about balance is disgustingly true because I insist on maintaining this all-or-nothing mentality, where I can’t be freewheeling and ~wistful~ while also maintaining a life at school.

That’s probably because I crave that “something” that is dramatically different, I keep telling myself that maybe if I just took everything I owned, closed my eyes, spun a globe, and flew wherever my finger landed, I would be put in a situation so different and uncomfortable that I would be forced to change my perspective on my sense of self, the world, and how I navigate both. And no matter how much I tell myself I can or cannot do whatever Eat, Pray, Love meets Secret Life of Walter Mitty type sh*t I dream about every night and doodle about in every lecture hall, I am realising that whatever “discomfort” or “change” I seek does not necessarily have to stem from something stark and spontaneous and dramatic.

I have the capacity to stretch myself every day, Like putting my nose to the grindstone more often and just going for it. By just sitting down and starting and finishing an application without worrying about the idea of me not being a good enough fit for the position or thinking I’m not cut out for it. Like not being afraid to talk to workers on the floor at a department store to see if they have my size. Like asking peers or going to office hours for help on homework. Like, not inadvertently half-assing the things I do because I feel like there’s some reason as to why I shouldn’t be doing it, or I feel like I should be doing something else.

I often feel like I’m wasting my time here. No matter how much I can retrospect and shine light on whatever I find myself doing every day, I feel like I’m squandering so many opportunities and not taking advantage of the resources here simply because the limitlessness of it all is paralysing. That small fish in a big pond feeling hit me so much more profoundly than I thought it would and I want to change that today.

I know this motivation will come and go, but I hope the sun will keep propelling me forward. And if not that, then I hope I can find it in me to propel myself. I felt stuck this morning while writing in my dorm room, so I went on a walk and now I’m at Meyer Green. I’m about to go back to the dorm to maybe bike up to the Dish. Or I’ll go to the beach. Or go grocery shopping. Anything! Small steps, small steps.

Small steps are still steps nonetheless. Happy Wednesday.

Love,

Izzy

 

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